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The Two Tourists.
A Spoof.
By Bean, Charlie and Tina
Scene One: (Flashback to FOTE (fellowship of the emoticon) Boromir is tied up and gagged in a boat)
B: Mph grr mormn!
A: Alas poor Boromir, we knew him well.
G: Did we? Oh, is he dead then?
All (inc. any random Orcs that are left lying about): Yes, Gimli!
A: We shall miss you, friend. (L sniggers) Farewell. (Pushes boat out)
B: Mrrrr! (Boat drifts towards waterfall)
L: Tatty bye! (Waves while nancing off before combing hair) Now for the dwarf.
A: Hang on a minute. Where are Merry and Pippin?
L: Oh, just rattle the food, they'll come back.
(Aragorn rattles the food tin around for a few minutes while yelling, "Merry! Pippin! In manner of talking to five-year-old, cat or similar)
G: Orcs....
All: Yes, Gimli!
G: No...Merry...Pippin...Orcs... (Said using hand gestures)
A: Gimli, why didn't you tell us?
G: Orcs....
A: Oh God.
L: (twirling hair and flirting with A) I suppose we ought to go rescue them then.
A: Oh really!? You think!?
L: Can I wash my hair first?
A: You washed it an hour ago!
L: Well, yes, but it's all covered in Orc slime now (gestures to hair which is, of course, immaculate)
A: (rolls eyes) Come on, let's go!
(A and L walk off stage, leaving Gimli)
G: Orcs....
(A and L come back on)
A: Oh, for God's sake!
(They drag Gimli off)
B: (from off stage) I'll get you Austin Powers...
GAF1 (guy at front): Wrong movie!
(An arrow flies across the stage and hits GAF1 bang in the chest)
GAF1: Hey, if it took 3 to finish you off, one isn't going to do me much harm!
GAF2: Aren't you going to pull it out?
GAF1: No. I think it adds character.
GAF2: Fair enough.
End Flashback.
Scene 2: Blank stage to begin with.
GAF1: (Still with the arrow in his chest) Oh, you remember Gandalf died right? (No sound from audience) I'm guessing not then. OK, flashback! (Snaps fingers)
Flashback to FOTE: Mines of Moria. Balrog about to kill Gandalf.
Ga: Piss off! No-one gets to MY hobbit. S.
Balrog: Oh. OK then. (Turns round and starts to walk off)
Ga: (does same)
(Balrog throws some rope and catches Gandalf's leg. Gandalf falls over.)
Ga: ooh, shit. What do I do? Oh I know ill look in my wizards manual (looks and reads aloud) Now. What to do when you're about to be dragged off to certain doom by a Balrog..."insert words of wisdom" bollocks. (Puts book away)
F: Gandalf!!
Ga: What?
F: Nothing. It just felt like we needed someone to yell "Gandalf!" and since I am the Ringbearer...
Ga: Look, there's an old saying that goes, "Don't stand around jabbering when you're in mortal danger!" So go.
(Balrog starts dragging Gandalf away)
F: Gaaandaaaaalllllffff! (Is held back by Boromir)
Ga: Now what?
F: Nothing.
Ga: Piss off then!
F: (pouts) Oh, OK. (Sniffs)
(Gandalf is dragged off by Balrog to certain doom)
GAF1: (snaps fingers) End flashback!
F: (sits up) Grandalf!
S: Begging your pardon sir, but isn' it supposed to be Gandalf?
F: Shut up! Don't ruin my dramatic moment!
S: (rolls eyes) What is it, Mr Frodo?
F: Nothing... (Lies down) Just a dream.
(Sam starts making faces behind Frodo's back)
F: Don't think I can't see you...
(Frodo and Sam are walking around the One Rock. They walk around about 3 times before stopping.)
S: This place looks strangely familiar.
F: That's because we've been here before. We're going in circles.
(Faramir runs on.)
Fa: Bind their hands!
F: Not yet!
Fa: Bollocks. (Walks off)
S: Who was that?
F: (shrugs)
S: So...
B: (runs on) If you would but lend me the Ring...
F: Boromir! You're dead!
B: Oh, shit. (Walks off)
S: (looks confused)
Gollum: (from offstage) They stole it from us, Precious, and we wants it!
(Big crash)
Go: OW! Shit!
S: Are we being followed?
F: Yes.
S: Oh.
Scene 3: Edoras (in Rohan) inside the golden hall of Meduseld.
Théoden the king is sat at the head of the hall (which will be on the right hand side away from the GAFs). Grima should be crouched at the side, with a red nose on. Éomer and Éowyn are speaking to him;
Éowyn should be kneeling so shes not blocking Éomer.
É: Your son is badly wounded, my lord.
Éo: yeah, we didnt want to show that for fear of making people ill.
(Pause, Éowyn coughs politely)
Éo: Oh, right. It was the Orcs. I think we should start defending this place; otherwise Sarumans going to take it by force.
Gr: (Standing up and honking a horn whilst throwing a bucket of water over Théoden) That is a lie. Saruman the white is our friend.
(Théoden starts mumbling and Grima leans to him, but he's making no sense)
Éo: Orcs are skipping freely across our lands. Unchecked, unchallenged, poncing at will. Orcs bearing the white binoculars of Saruman. (He drops a helmet onto the floor, it rolls over and there is a small pair of white binoculars attached to it)
Gr: Why do you bother your Uncle with this? Cant you see hes already pissed off by your pissed off-y ness, ness ness ness...your war-mongering?
Éo: War-mongering? (Grabs Gríma and shoves him against the side of the stage (make sure you dont block Théoden here, even though hes just sitting still) How long is it since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price, Gríma? When all the men are dead, you will get your circus at the Gap of Rohan?
(Gríma looks to the left and honks his horn again as Éowyn walks past. Éowyn stops and stares back for a minute then walks off, muttering perv... to herself. Éomer jerks Gríma again and grabs his jaw)
Éo: Too long have you perved over my sister, too long have you haunted her steps.
(Gríma rolls his eyes and honks his horn (he likes doing that) as Éomer is pulled off him by some guards who have turned evil and are now in league with Gríma)
Gr: You see much, Éomer, son of Éomund. Too much. You are banished forthwith from the Kingdom of Rohan, under pain of vicious tickling in public.
Éo: Argh! (He is punched in the stomach then dragged off by the thugs)
Scene 4: Frodo and Sam lying down on floor, near the One Rock.
Go: (sneaks on stage towards Frodo and Sam. Falls over on top of them)
F: (Wakes up) Sam?
S: (Wakes up) Err...no?
Go: The Precious!!
(Gollum tries to grab Frodo's trousers thinking that the Ring is in there. Frodo looks freaked out. Sam goes back to sleep (he may or may not be sucking his thumb)
Go: Precio--
Fa: (runs on again) Bind their hands!
Go: You just ruined my dramatic entrance!
Fa: No, I think you did that.
Go: But you're not supposed to be on for another two hours!
GAF2: He's got a point there.
Fa: Who are you?
GAF2: Never mind.
F: While you two sort that out, could I ask that you remove your hand from my trousers?
Go: Oh. Sorry. (Takes hands out and then turns to Faramir) Why are you still here?
Fa: (shrugs)
Go: Piss off then!
(Faramir goes)
F: So where were we?
(Boromir comes on)
Go: Oh, for God's sake!
B: Oh, hi Frodo. What are you doing in these parts? I was just out for a stroll myself.
F: Boromir. We've been through this. You're dead. Get over it. You're not even supposed to be in this book!
B: But I need to save my people!
F: Boromir. Gondor will save itself. Just. Go. Go on. Shoo!
B: Hmpf. (Adjusts trousers, then leaves)
Go: Who was that?
S: (waking up) Who was who? Did I miss anything?
F: Look, shall we just skip this bit and tie you up? We don't seem to be getting anywhere.
Go: Oh, I was looking forward to that.
F: Oh, OK then.
(They fight like women)
S: OK, ladies, break it up.
Go: OK, just tie me up then.
(Sam ties Gollum up. They sit down on the One Rock.)
F: Wasn't there something we were supposed to be doing?
S: Probably. Never mind.
F: No, I think it was quite important.
(Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn run across the stage to LOTR or maybe Benny Hill music, it is a spoof after all.)
(Frodo, Sam and Gollum sit on the One Rock, thinking.
(Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn run across the other way.)
Go: Fancy going to Mordor?
F: Yeah, OK. Maybe we'll think of what it was while we're there.
Scene 4: Legolas and Aragorn run onto stage.
L: (Nances to DSR) Aragorn, look! It's Rohan!!
A: Really? (sarcasm)
L: Look! A field!
A: No! (sarcasm)
L: A blade of grass!
A: No, stop, the excitement's too much.
(Gimli finally stumbles onto stage.)
(Gimli and Aragorn stand looking bored while Legolas carries on going "And another one! And another one! Etc)
L: Aragorn, look, Riders!
A: Riders?
L: Riders of Rohan!
A: Well, why didn't you say so before!
L: I've only just noticed them.
A: Stupid elf eyes. Quick, hide!
(Aragorn and Legolas hide, leaving Gimli still stood in centre stage)
A: Oh God. Gimli! (Yells)
(Gimli doesn't respond so Aragorn gets up and drags him over)
(Enter: Riders of Rohan on hobby horses)
A: (stands up) Oi!
E: What?
(Riders surround Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli (who have gotten up in the meantime))
E: What business does a pretty boy elf; an unshaven tramp and a hairy newt have in the Riddermark?
G: You give me your name, discus-master, and I shall give you mine.
E: I would cut off your head, newt, if it stood slightly higher than my crotch.
L: (preens self)
(Everyone looks at Legolas)
L: What? Am I getting a spot? (Uses Eomer's helmet as a mirror)
A: No, Legolas. This is a very important line in the story. This is the part that people will be looking for in the film.
L: Is it? (Looks round)
(Everyone nods) (Except Gimli who is pretending not to hear)
A: Look. I know this is difficult, but you've got to pretend that you actually *like* Gimli.
L: EW! Gimli? But he's a...
A: Dwarf? Yes, I know. But you've got to.
L: (pouts in the style of figwit) Why?
E: Because it makes up for the thousands of years of feuding between the newts and the elves. It first began in the Second Age, when....
(Everyone starts to fall asleep. Eomer must improvise here, or you can just go blah blah blah. Your choice)
L: OK, I'll do it. You would die before your stroke fell!
A: Finally! I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn; this is Gimli, son of Gloin, and Legolas of the woodland realm.
L: You're only saying that because you can't say Tharanduil, aren't you?
A: (rolls eyes) Look, let's cut to the chase. We're looking for some Orcs, they've nicked our hobbits.
E: Oh, right. Well, they're probably in that pile of corpses over there.
A: Oh.
G: Hobbits...
All: Yes, Gimli!
G: Burning hobbits...
E: Is he always like that?
L + A: Yes.
E: May the force be with you. Look for your hobbits, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. (Salutes them) We ride north!
(Riders, ride off)
A: Come on. Let's go look.
L: Look where?
A: In the pile of corpses.
L: Ew! No way. I'll get dirty.
A: OK, you just stand there and say something that sounds impressive in Elvish, then.
L: Fair enough. Come on, Gimli, let's go look in the pile. (Nances towards pile. Aragorn walks. Gimli stands there.)
G: Riders...
All: Yes, Gimli!
A: (Looking) They're not there.
L: Ava vanta I salquesse.
A: That means keep off the grass!
L: But you've got to admit, it did sound impressive.
GAF1: Yes, you've ruined the effect now.
A: Who are you?
GAF1: Never mind. (Turns to GAF2) Must find name tag of some sort...
A: OK. (Notices marks on floor. Bends down to see) A hobbit lay here. And the other. They crawled. Their bonds were cut. They ran, into... (While he is saying this, Aragorn must do the appropriate actions and walking.)
G: (Who has, uncharacteristically been following Aragorn throughout his speech.) Fangorn...What madness drove them in there?
L: They went into Fangorn forest!
A: Really? I'd never have guessed.
L: (twirls hair)
G: Och, shall we go in?
L: But I'll get--
A: (Claps hand over Legolas' mouth and drags him offstage)
(While the stage is clear, a giant flaming eye (obviously Sauron) wanders across the stage)
GAF1: Was that Sauron?
GAF2: Nah, looked nothing like him.
Scene 5: Fangorn Forest. Enter Merry and Pippin being pursued by Orcs.
(Merry and Pippin run)
Orc: Im gonna rip out your filthy little innardsCOME HERE.
M: Climb this tree!
P: Merrrrrryyyyyyy... (As Merry falls out of tree)
(The orc has Merry backed into a corner)
Orc: Im going to put a maggot hole through your stomach...
(Treebeard stamps on orc then picks Merry up. We may have to alter that later on.)
T: Little Orcs.
All: Yes, Gimli!
T: Im not Gimli!
M: Sorry, force of habit.
P: It's talking Merry, the tree's talking.
GAF1: No? Really?
T: Tree? I am no tree. I am an Ent.
(Please note: Treebeards voice is very deep and he takes ages to say things as he will state later on)
M: Of course. A tree herder. A shepherd of the forest.
P: Dont talk to it, Merry! Dont encourage it!
T: Treebeard, some call me.
P: And whose side are you on?
T: Side? I am on nobodys side, little orc, because nobody is on my side.
M: Were not Orcs. Were hobbits. From the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name, and this is...
GAF2: Thats not your line!
M: Isnt it?
P: No, Merry.
M: (Gets down and goes over to GAF2) Are you sure?
GAF2: (shows him the script) Yes, look. Thats Frodos line. Youre Merry, remember?
M: Oh, yeah. OK then. (Treebeard picks him back up)
T: Where were we? Oh, yes. Little Orcs
M: Were not Orcs. Were hobbits.
T: Hobbits? Never heard of a hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me...
P: No, really, we are hobbits!
T: Maybe you are, and maybe you arent. The White Wizard will know.
(Treebeard drops them in front of an area of white at the side of the stage. This is in fact; smoke and they all begin to cough violently.)
(Treebeard pushes them off stage)
Scene 6: The Dead Marshes. Gollum is leading Frodo and Sam through them.
S: (puts his foot in something) Ew! Its a swamp!
G: Yes, we takes you on safe paths. Orcs dont use it. Orcs dont know it. They go round for miles and miles (Wanders ahead still talking to himself)
F: (looks down into the marshes)
S: (stands there, then remembers) Oh, what is it Mr Frodo?
F: Look. (Points)
S: Eugh! There are people in there!
Go: Yep, there are people in there.
F: I think I'll go and have a closer look. (Falls into them)
(Wriggles about a bit among the corpses until Gollum pulls him out)
Go: Don't follow the lights, or hobbits go down to join the dead ones and light little candles of their own.
S: (looks at Frodo) What does that mean?
F: (Shrugs)
S: Ok then.
(Later that night: Gollum is sat at the side of the stage, Frodo and Sam are lying in the centre, we do not need to see Sam but Frodo must be facing the audience. He has the ring out of his shirt and is stroking it. He is about 10 seconds away from saying precious.)
Go: Soooo bright, sooooo beautiful. Our, precious.
F: (tucks the ring back inside his shirt) What was that?
Go: I said sooooo bright, Soooo beautiful. Our, precious.
F: Ok then.
Go: I was one of the river folk, you know.
F: Were you? Oh yeah, Gandalf told me. He said your life was a sad story.
Go: Cold be hand and heart and bone, and cold be travellers far from home.
F: Erok?
Go: They do not see what lies ahead when sun has failed and moon is dead.
F: You were not so very different from a hobbit once, were you...Sméagol.
Go: Eh?
F: That was your name once, wasnt it?
Go: My name.Sméagol. (Said very slowly as if hes just realised it)
F: Yes, Gimli!
Go: Im not Gimli!
F: I know.
Go: You just called me Gimli!
F: Did I?
GAF1: Yeah, you did.
F: Oh. Sorry.
(A couple of Nazgul fly over. Again, I dont know how were going to manage that.)
Go: Wraiths! Wraiths on wings!
GAF1: No?! Really!?
Go: Oh, shut up.
Scene 7: Fangorn Forest. Enter Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn.
(Please note: a red sun should be rising. Dont know how were going to manage that.)
G: Forest.
A: Im not even going to dignify that with a response.
L: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilt this night.
G: Oooh, really?
A: All together now, yes, Gimli!
(Trees make noises)
L: The trees are speaking to each other.
A: No? Really?
L: (looks offended)
A: You asked for it.
G: (Raises axe in defence)
A: Gimli! Lower your axe!
(Gimli hears him but doesnt respond so Aragorn does it for him)
L: (moves forward) (Aside, with comedy hand gestures that well have to show you) I sense a dramatic moment. (Normal, well as normal as he can get) Aragorn, nad no ennas!
A: Man cenith?
L: The White Wizard approaches.
(Enter: Gandalf the White. To begin with he is shielded in the same kind of smoke that affected Merry, Pippin and Treebeard at the end of the previous scene. He must speak enough like himself for the audience to recognise him, but enough like Saruman for Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli to think that thats who he is.)
A: How did you guess!?
L: Well, when you have elven eyesight (Twirls hair.)
A: (rolls eyes. then his sword starts glowing like its really hot so he drops it)
(Legolas shoots an arrow but Gandalf shoots it back. Gimli tries to hit him but also has to drop his axe)
Ga: You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits.
A: Where are they?
Ga: They passed this way the day after tomorrow. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?
A: Er, no, not really. Who are you? Show yourself!
Ga: (steps forward to reveal himself)
A: It cannot be. You fell.
Ga: Indeed I did. (Pause)
A: Are you going to elaborate?
Ga: Do you want me to?
A: Well, it would be nice to know what happened.
Ga: Ok then. I fell, through fire and water, but mostly down the hole place at Moria. From the highest dungeon to the lowest peak-
GAF1: Wrong way round
Ga: Look, who are you?
GAF1: (snarls and makes to attack Gandalf, but Legolas shoots him in the chest) Wow. Two now. (Moves back to his place.)
Ga: So where was I?
L: (twirls hair) Er the highest dungeon and the lowest peak I think.
(At this, GAF1 snarls and Legolas shrugs as if to say, what?)
Ga: Ah. Right. So, from the highest dungeon to the lowest peak I fought him, the Morgoth of Balrog. Until at last I threw down his ruin and smote my enemy upon the mountainside. Lightness took me and I strayed out of...out ofer
A: Thought and time?
Ga: Yeah, that's it, thought and time. Moons wheeled and each day was as long as a death age of the earth. But it was not the beginning. I felt death in me again. So I told him to piss off and that I just didn't swing that way. Then I felt life in me again.
L: I thought you didn't
A: Life's a woman, you div!
L: Oh, right.
Ga: Anyway, I've been sent back until my task is started.
A: Gandalf!
Ga: Gandalf? Yes, that's what they're going to call me. Gandalf the White. That was my name. I am Gandalf the Grey.
(GAF1 snarls)
GAF2: I think you mean it the other way round. (Said while restraining GAF1)
Ga: Do I?
GAF2: Oh, I think you do.
Ga: Ok then. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name once. That was what they used to call me.
G: Gandalf?
Ga: Yes, Gimli! (Pats Gimli on the head)
Ga: And I come to you now at the turn of the elven dance troupe.
(A few elves pirouette across the stage)
Ga: One stage of our journey is over, another begins. War has come to Gondor. We must ride to Minas Tirith with all speed.
L: Don't you mean Rohan, and Edoras?
A: (Grabbing Legolas' arm) don't get him started.
(They walk out of the forest. Gandalf, who is now in grey robes again, whistles and a white hobby horse is thrown onto the stage)
L: That is one of the Mearas, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell.
GAF2: You should have gone to SpecSavers.
Ga: (Picks up the hobby horse) Shadowfax. He's the lord of all horses and has been my friend through many dangers.
A: Finally, a moment of clarity (!)
Ga: Make the most of it.
A: Riiiiiiiight.
(They get onto their hobby horses, with Legolas and Gimli sharing one. They ride across the stage and back again, then stop and look above the audience as if there is something in the distance.)
Ga: Meduseld, and the Golden Hall of Edoras. There dwells Théoden, King of Rohan whose mind is now overthrown.
A: His isn't the only one
Ga: Be careful what you say. Do not look for welcome here.
(They ride off stage)
Scene 8: Back to the Golden Hall. Éowyn is holding Théoden's hand and sniffing.
É: My lord, your son, he is dead. My lord? Uncle?
(Théoden just sits there)
É: Will you not go to him? Will you do nothing?
(Théoden again just sits there)
É: Guess not, then.
Scene 9: Éowyn is weeping at Théodred's bedside. She kisses his hand. Then Gríma walks in and throws a bucket of water over Théodred and honks his horn yet again.
Gr: Oh, how sad. He must have died some time in the night.
É: (Looks up at Gríma) You think?
Gr: What a tragedy for the King to lose his only son and heir.
É: Mmm
Gr: And for you, especially now your brother has deserted you.
É: He hasn't deserted me, you banished him.
Gr: Shh!! You're not supposed to know that!
É: Leave me alone, you clown!
Gr: Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, and the halls of your bower close in around you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in.
(While he is doing this speech, Gríma should circle Éowyn and honk his horn for emphasis)
(He moves closer to Éowyn and puts his hand to her cheek, then moves it about a bit)
Gr: So fair, so cold. Like a morning of pale spring still clinging to winter's chill.
É: (Spits) Oh, piss off! (Walks out. She walks to DSL and looks out at Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and Gandalf who are riding their hobby horses up the aisle. A horse banner thing is flung into the audience by somebody backstage. Gimli looks around at the audience.)
G: You'd find more cheer in a graveyard.
(As the four walk up the steps, Éowyn disappears and Háma appears with some other men. He has a very strong Cornish accent.)
Ga: Ah. Hello.
H: Oooh arrr, I cannot allow you before Théoden-King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame, by order of.Gríma Wormtongue.
A: Oh, right (In stupid accent which earns him black look from Háma. Legolas nudges him. Gandalf hands Háma Glamdring, and the other three give up their weapons, with Legolas showing off slightly to Gimli)
H: (To Gandalf) Oooh arrr, your staff.
Ga: (Pretending not to understand) Oh, you would not part a walking stick from his old man?
H: (Gestures that they should follow him in)
The Two Tourists (part two) |  |
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