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Scene 10: Meduseld. Théoden is sat at CSR, with Gríma kneeling in front of him. The Four enter, along with Háma. Gandalf is leaning on Legolas arm.
Gr: (Leaning down and honks his horn once before whispering to Théoden) My lord, Gandalf the Grey is coming. Hes a herald of woe.
Ga: The courtesy of your late is somewhat lessened of hall, Théoden-King.
(As Gandalf walks towards Théoden, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli pull back a bit and look around the room and the audience. Gimli pulls a face at one of them.)
Gr: (still whispering to Théoden) Hes not welcome.
T: W-w-whyyyy should I welcome y-you, Gandalf St-st-stoorm crooooowwww? (He looks to Gríma)
Gr: A just question, my liege.
(He gets up, throws a bucket of water over Théoden and starts walking towards Gandalf)
Gr: Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Láthspell I name him. Ill news is an ill guest
Ga: Be silent! Keep your teeth behind your forked tongue! I have not passed through death and fire to bandy crooked worms with a witless word.
(He raises his staff against Gríma)
Gr: His staff!
(He backs away from Gandalf whilst honking his horn and talking to the guards)
Gr: I told you to take the wizards staff!
(The guards, obviously in league with Gríma, attack. Legolas and Aragorn fight with them. Gimli joins in when he realises. Gandalf continues to walk towards Théoden. Gamling starts to go forwards, but Háma puts his hand on his shoulder.)
Ga: Thengel, son of Théoden, too long have you sat in the shadows.
(Gríma tries to crawl away, but Gimli in a rare and timely moment of clarity, pins him to the floor and growls.)
G: Auch, I would stay still if I were you.
Ga: Harken to me! I release this spell from you.
(He gestures with his hand)
T: (Cackles)
Ga: (looks shocked because Théoden is speaking in Sarumans voice)
T: You have no power here, Gandalf the Grey.
(Said much as you might say, Gandalf the Flatulent)
(Gandalf throws off his white robes to reveal his white ones, and
consequently a cloud of his smoke. Théoden is thrown back in his chair)
T: Argh!
Ga: (Points his staff at Théoden) I will draw you, poison, as Saruman is drawn from a wound!
(Éowyn rushes in. She at first does nothing until Legolas nudges her, when she rushes forwards. Aragorn stops her.)
A: Wait.
É: (Legs buckle) ok.
Ga: (Points his staff at Théoden, who is again thrown back in his chair) You did not kill him, you will not kill me!
T: Rohan is mine!
Ga: Be gone! (Gandalf smites Théoden, and as Théoden lunges at him, he is thrown back into the chair a third time. The scene changes instantly to Saruman flying backwards from the Palantir, which he had been using to manipulate Théoden. He lands hard on the floor of Orthanc, bleeding from a gash in his forehead. In Meduseld, Théoden lets out a moan and slumps forward in his seat. Éowyn runs to her uncles side as he falls. Théoden raises his head and his face begins to transform gradually into that of a much younger-looking man. Clarity and recognition return to his eyes)
T: (turns to face Éowyn) I kn-know you, dont I? (He pauses to think) Éomer
É: Its Éo*wyn*, moron.
T: Sorry. (Sarcasm)
Ga: Breathe the free air again, my friend.
GAF2: When did we have captive air?
Ga: Alright, how much? (Takes out wallet and walks over to DSL where the two GAFs are sitting)
GAF2: Fifty quid?
Ga: Sure. (Gives GAF2 the money and walks back to his place)
GAF1: Youre not seriously going to take that?!
GAF2: No, but itll buy me a new pair of jeans. And.a pizza.
GAF1: Wow.
Ga: (coughs politely)
GAF2: Oh. Sorry. Do carry on.
T: D-d-dark have been my d-dreams of late.
(Stands up looks around the room and at his hands)
Ga: Your strength would remember its old fingers betterif it grasped your sword.
(Théoden gives Gandalf a blank look when Háma rushes up with his sword. Théoden takes it, stares at it for a bit then draws it. At CS (in line with the steps at the front of the stage), Gríma starts to run off, but honks his horn by mistake and is held back by Gimli who is paying attention for once. Théoden notices this and pats Gimli on the head before walking towards Gríma so that he has to crawl backwards to the edge of the stage. He stands up and walks down the stairs backwards, honking his horn, then looks up at Théoden, grovelling. By this time, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Éowyn and Háma have all gathered round.)
Gr: Ive only ever served you, my lord!
(He is flustered by this point and so honks his horn a lot and tips the bucket of water at the side of the steps over himself instead of Théoden)
T: Y-y-your leechcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a b-b-b-b, an animal!
(Aragorn giggles at Théodens stutter but Legolas digs him in the ribs)
Gr: Dont send me away! Please!
(Théoden raises his sword to kill Gríma, but Aragorn stops him)
A: Oh, let him go. I mean, whats the worst he could do? Join forces with Saruman and attack your people?
T: Yeah, I suppose so. Off you go, then.
(Gríma runs off down the gap)
H: Ooh arrr, hail Théoden-King!
(They all kneel, including Aragorn who is stood right next to Théoden. Gríma pauses at the end of the aisle, turns back, honks his horn once, and says,)
Gr: Ill be back.
A: (looks up) Oh, piss off!
T: (Turns to go back to his throne, then pauses) Where is T-t-Théodred? W-where is m-my son?
H: Ooh arrr, yes, well theres a slight problem there.
Scene 11: Outside the Golden Hall. Théoden is standing DSC, holding a white flower. He drops it onto the stairs, which are Théodreds grave, where there are a few other flowers of the same sort.
T: S-s- Simbelmynë. E-ever has it grown on the tombs of my foreb-b-bears. N-now it shall cover the grave of my s-s-s-child. Al-l-las, that these evil days should be mine. The young perish, and the old linger. That I should l-li-l-l-survive to see the last days of m-my house.
Ga: Théodreds making was not of your death.
T: No parent should have to bury their child.
(He starts crying)
Ga: Yeah, youre right there.
(Pats Théoden on the shoulder)
(Gandalf turns to go back when two children (Éothan and Freda) gallop up the aisle on a hobby horse. Éothan falls off.)
Éot: Ow!
Scene 12: The Golden Hall. Éothan (who has miraculously recovered) and Freda are sitting at a table, eating. Éowyn is stood next to them, with her arms folded. She is chewing gum. Théoden is sat on his throne and Gandalf is sat next to him. Legolas is leaning against one side of the stage. Aragorn is smoking his pipe and is sat at a table with Gimli.
É: Oh, come on. They had no warning. They were unarmed. Now the Wildmen are moving through the Westfold, burning as they go.
Fr: Wheres Mama?
É: Oh, shut up!
Ga: (gesturing towards the children) This is but a taste of the Saruman that terror will unleash. All the more Sauron for he is driven mad by fear of potent. Children out and women on. Draw him away from your ride and head. You must fight.
(He puts a hand on the arm of Théodens chair)
A: You, you tit, have two thousand decent men riding north right now. Éomer is loyal to you; his men will come back and fight.
T: Th-th-they will b-be th-th-three hundred leagues from here by now. Éomer cannot help us. I kn-kn-know what it is you want of me. But I will not bring further death to my people. I w-w-will n-not risk op-p-pen war.
A: Op-p-pen war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not.
T: When last I looked, Th-th-théoden, not Aragorn, was K-k-king of Rohan.
Ga: (moving forward) OK, ladies calm down. Well?
The scene changes to Háma talking to the audience, who we assume are the people of Rohan.
H: Ooh arrr, by order of the King, the city must empty. We make for the refuge of Helms Deep. Ooh arrr; do not burden yourselves with treasures. Take only what provisions you need. Ooh arrr. (Tosses hair in manner of LOreal advert.)
Scene 13: Gimli, Gandalf, Legolas and Aragorn walk onto stage. Shadowfax and their other hobby horses are at USR. Gimli does not notice that it is his line until Aragorn kicks him. Legolas just stands preening himself.
G: Ow!! Ow, auch....Helms deep! Helms bloody deep! I mean, really! They flee to the mountains when they should stand and fight. Who will defend them if not their King?
A: He is only doing what he thinks is best for his people, however stupid it may be.
Ga: He thinks hes leading them to a massacre. What hell get is safety. Thingyerm.whatshisname..
A: Théoden?
Ga: Yes, thats the one. Théoden has a strong will but I fear for the survival of Rohan.
A: Why?
Ga: Because hes a twat!
A: Fair enough.
Ga: (Picks up Shadowfax and gets on him) Look to my coming. At last light on the 4th day. At sunset, look to the west.
(Legolas gives Aragorn a blank look)
A: Well work it out later. You, (points at Gandalf) go!
(Gandalf gallops off stage left)
Scene 14: The Golden Hall. Its empty, until Éowyn runs from the left to DSR, and lights up a cigarette. Aragorn starts to walk slowly up to her, but Éowyn spots him, throws the cigarette on the floor and yanks the sword out to face him, and he gets out his own sword to block her.
A: Youve some skill with a blade. (Sarcasm)
É: Feck off!
A: Well, arent you going to say something about the women of your country?
É: Oh, if I must. Well, basically, we all learned long ago that those who dont have the pointy metal sticks can still get impaled on the pointy metal sticks. I fear neither death nor pain.
A: What do you fear, my lady?
É: Lung cancer.
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